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This is dedicated to three of the most influential people I've had be a part of my life but am no longer associated with, for more reasons than one. Mainly, in fact, in two out of the three cases, I may have done too much by wanting to take the relationship farther than it should've gone anyway, but my 'got to have what I want' attitude preceded my wisdom. Lol at the foolishness of youth. Anyway, this goes out to three friends who stole my heart and I am forever grateful for the experiences we shared.

I would love the opportunity to say something, anything, to you, but when I even attempt to think of what to say, Nothing seems good enough. It's funny how you can love someone so much, in any form of relationship and after you lose them, for whatever reason, it's hard to ever regain what you may have once had or felt. How many people have we been cool with, only to fall out with, and later on act as if nothing ever happened and reconnect. But not with you...you're a totally different case...pure, unadulterated, untainted, genuine love, this is how I felt about you. I wanted to rescue you from anything that even looked like it wanted to hurt you. I wanted to protect you, I did my best to support you, sometimes even when I knew you were wrong. I loved you with No boundaries, I loved you when you were afraid to love me. I loved you when you hurt me. I forgave you...and you, you claimed to love me. You showed me that you did. You gave me all you could...but look at us now.

No words have passed between us in almost three years. We walk past each other and look...words in the air above us, neither of us strong enough to catch them and utter them to the other. I can't speak for you, but I'd love to find out how life was going, I wouldn't mind telling you how proud I am to see you doing so well...It would do me good to know how we went from then to now.

There are three of you. Only three out of the throngs of people I've met so far in life. Three of you whom I loved and genuinely cared for, with All of me and now the only three people I can never find the words or courage to say anything to...because I Never wanted us to be apart. Forced separation doesn't make the feelings go away. You may have changed but my feelings never did. Maybe one day we'll reunite and wounds won't be as fresh. You'll be able to look at me, I'll be able to gaze at you, and we'll be able to laugh like the times before. If not, I hope you know I never stopped caring. I never stopped loving, you...three.




Proverbs 17:17 A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.


(Some parts of this piece are meant for all three of you inclusively, some portions are meant for one of you individually but the overall context is for all three of you.)

You & Your Look Alike

Also entitled: Queen of Dreams
Dedicated to: BT


Me you him & her
sitting around a table
looking like those dogs playing cards 

me looking at you in disgust
trying to understand why they're here 
and why we're ALL together 

you keep grinning & patting my damn arm
her eyes are so glazed all she can see is him
And he tries to act as if he's not glaring at my soul 

the scene switches and it's me
the queen of the court 
you, my king, and she, the lowly handmaid 

I laugh as I snap for her to bring me
the silver platter off to the side
you grab my hand as if to caution what's hidden underneath

i stopped listening to you long ago 
so I hear none of what you have to say
she brings the platter, with her annoying smile

I make her stand there holding the heavy platter for a while,
you continue to tell me i may not want to see this sight 

Open it!
shocked as I am
I never remember ordering an "off with his head!" 

It Just FEELS Right

skin. sweat. passion.
I swear I float when I leave your side
sighs. moans. delight. 
I smile simply thinkin of the ecstasy u provide
comfort. relief. perfection 
laying with you just feels so right 
dreams. hopes. wishes.
thoughts of u & I fill my head every night
unsure. hesitant. reluctant. 
they say if it seems too good to be true that may indeed be the case
smiles. laughs. blushing. 
the happiness that flashes across my face 
you. me. us.
we both have pasts whose thoughts about are the least bit favorable
tomorrow. next month. next year.
only time will tell if to continue we will be capable
always. forever. eternity. 
in these words I dnt believe
now. today. the present. 
i'll enjoy till the day you decide to up & leave...

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minutes turn to hours those hours turn to days
time passes between us, we've gone our separate ways

we may not speak often or connect as much as I'd like
but one day he'll be mine..or so I dream at night

Patience is a virtue & what will be will be
but when it comes to him these aren't cliches, he's supposed to be with me

Tell Me What A Friend Is

when I'm hurting I dnt think of you
when I'm happy I dnt care to share
i dnt mind not hearing from you
I'm not sure y i tolerate you...smh tolerate...

I'm sure you're confused y I feel this way though, right?
you may have erased the truth from your recollection, but I never did 
you question y u never hear from me
& as you say, you feel you're losing me

truth is, you're Not losing me
I've been gone 
the day you decided that lust, lies & secrets were more important I dropped out the race 
still unsure what I'm talking about?
I'd say ask your other friend but he has a problem remembering stuff from
five minutes ago as I'm sure he's also forgotten of this thing

BUT I remember the night like it was yesterday
anger wasn't the first emotion, neither was sadness 
if I recall I was struck with silence and shock overcame me
a feeling of detachment became my Only connection to u and has remained there since

YET you're still hanging around 
mostly my fault though cause I haven't just come out and said it
but you'd think you'd have gotten it with all the hints I've given

I'm considered the mean one but if anyone cared to find out what lurked in the mind & heart of a hurt soul, guess who you'd find? 
Me. 

it's cool though 
Jesus knew Judas would give him up and Peter would deny him
I'm sure He also knew which would kill himself over the stint & who'd ask for redemption
seeing how you never asked for the latter, I'll allow you to hang yourself in your own guilt 

My loyalty.
Your betrayal. 
Tell me what, no, tell me who, is a friend. 

I Can't Remember

dnt tell anyone but sometimes I sit and think of you 
on these mind trips I try my hardest to remember the good times
scenes flash like pictures falling out of the photo album
as if I'm floating above those exact moments
I look dwn on us, looking at each other, smiling at each other, holding each other, loving each other, and I smile...

with the blink of an eye I'm back to reality and it's hard to even imagine that any of those things ever happened 
the tears that filled my eyes for months are even dried up
I try my best to recapture any bit of emotion left but there's no luck
I attempt to question what went wrong but all I get is static
As if 'us' were merely a dream 
The good or the bad, I just can't seem to remember 

The ring is in the box, the bear is on my bed
the shoes line the closet floor as my others do
I still wear the jacket...
but these material things have all lost the sentiment they once held...but what happened to my key? 

A part of me wants to hold on to what I knew of you 
And the other part convinces me that I never really did...
Time won't sit still long enough to even let me figure my own thoughts out
so I try my best to remember...
but I just can't 

...can you? 

Two Can't Play That Game

confused isn't the word cause I know what I'm doing 
it's just hard separating this game from my emotions
hell im only human

i've dealt with this before so nothing surprises me
not even your cutesy lil lines about how much you adore me

it would seem I could easily refrain from all communication
but my curiosity won't let me resist,
your presence alone is a tempting provocation

your touch, those lips, those eyes, that...
the very essence of you...
but too much is enough to make any girl sick...

so charming yet frustrating 
so egotistical and arrogant yet sweet and titillating 

unsure what ta do with you this time around
keep you & try again 
or love you & leave you 
both choices cleverly profound

the lover in me wants ta try again
but the hurt in me says diss em like he did you 
fuck him over like you were the man
and then act as if u had no clue

so i'll try and take each day as it comes 
avoiding what the ultimate decision will & should be
it's just such a shame that even with all this thinking optimism about this whole situation you're sure to be the death of me 

when will I ever learn
niggas dnt change 
they only come back ta claim what they feel they lost out on but never really earned