My Only Regret

call me crazy, but I've always wanted you. When I first saw you I gave you no thought because I was sure you gave me none either. I remember looking across the room and thinking I noticed you gazing at me, but letting it go, cause I was sure it couldn't have been me you were staring at. I remember our first encounter like it was yesterday. I'll never forget your smile, that same knowing smile, as if whatever you're thinking is the most perfect outcome of the situation you're in. It hurt me to find out you were already taken, but I was eager to gain your friendship nonetheless and was quite excited that you felt the same. Seeing you out at parties was the funniest. I was the socialite while you held up the wall, but no matter where we were we'd always end up near each other. I remember how our friendship progressed. Random visits and nights changed the scope of the friendship and we remained in each others corner. Your long distance relationship didn't last and I hopped right into one. You didn't budge as you watched me fall in love and I often wondered why I was still so eager to keep in touch with you. My relationship slowly but surely dwindled away and though I wanted you to be more sensitive to my hurt, you were still there. Then came that in between period, a time I now realize maybe I should've jumped at the opportunity to capture...but my mind and my heart weren't on one accord. No matter how many nights you slept over or how many conversations we had, I just wasn't ready. I remember the night before you left to move away, you came and visited, and stayed quite awhile. I felt special and clearly unaware that there was a chance I might lose you. The summer went on, only for things not to happen as you had planned. And certainly for things not to have unfolded in your life that affected me. How dare you come back with a whole girlfriend? Even when you'd promised you'd come back for me..I remember our conversation...but that was then and this is now. You're still with her and we've tried the friendship thing but my heart can't accept the fact that you're gone, the fact that you're not mine...I don't want to be mean as I am and cut you off but I don't think you understand where I'm coming from. You claim that you stayed around when I was in a relationship, but I'm a female and you're a male. I can't sit back and watch you fall in love and be okay with it, when all I can feel is that it should be me...I've come to grips with reality, but Lord knows if I could do it all again I would. I don't want to let you go...even though you're already gone.